Happiness Is A Warm Gun
by KiloWhisky-NovemberHotel
Summary: Crack, Angst, Cas loses his virginity and a hostage situation arises. Set during Caged Heat. No particular pairings... yet.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Normally I don't play well with others but me and Naz had something going… I think it was a plot but we forgot it. This is collab. It's kinda smack bam in the middle of Caged Heat then it goes all AUey and weird. CRACK.

Is a disclaimer really necessary? Really?

The dark, looming corridors gave off a suffocatingly musky scent as the three figures scurried off towards their goal; a double doorway that looked as though it was merely hanging on to its hinges off of its own volition. Needle sharp goose bumps erupted on the chilled skin of the men as they moved, not because of the glacial temperature emitted from the walls but because of the glint of acknowledgement that was caught in the eyes of those who witnessed them. A glint that showed curiosity but also a desire to tear limb from limb and, possibly if the mood was right, slurp their remaining entrails off of the menacing damp concrete.

Not that this sort of violence wasn't usually directed at them but there is a massive difference between being proactive and hunting the bastards down and throwing yourself, literally, into a hallway full of your strongest enemies. Fucking genius...

But now was not the time to be worrying about the future loss of one's organs, heck they'd all lived through worse. Stabbed in the back, resulted in death. Made a deal, ripped to shreds by hell hounds, resulted in death. Exploded multiple times, resulted in death. That's not all but you get the idea. Honestly they should have VIP cards to Heaven or Hell by now, the dicks were temperamental so where they were headed depended on who was currently PMSing more at the time.

The padding of their feet softened and slowed as they reached their latest objective, that damned door. In this situation slowing down was not an attractive option because for all they knew Meg had given up and was currently sending the hell hounds to have at them but on the other hand being discovered by making to much noise meant Crowley having some good ol' torturing fun. Sounds like a carnie game where everyone wins a prize, right?

The oldest brother pushed the door open as stealthily as possible. Well as stealthily as you can when the door sounds as if it's a pig squealing in pain. He ushered the remaining two through the entrance with a silent hand gesture, a part of his mind offhandedly wondering why the monsters hadn't raised an alarm yet. Smelt like a trap but it was too late to turn back now. They were three cats in dog town.

Dean scoped the hallway out once more to make sure they weren't being followed before closing the door behind him. The sound made the hunter wince. A low groan and an insistent touch on the back of his prized mottled brown leather jacket held Dean's attention. He turned, with the full intention of berating his partners with some choice words, and to his surprise saw Samuel in his entire bald headed glory palm pressed against an Enochian sigil. Could this day get any better?

The eldest Winchester was beyond pissed, sure people messed with them all the time but getting betrayed by your own family? Family that had promised to help you nonetheless. Now he was sure that he and his favourite man of the moment, RoboSam, would be carted off to some hideous part of this stupid building awaiting a speech Crowley has been practising in his head since day 1. Sure the speech would be charismatic but the green eyed man liked the simpler times when something was bad and you killed it. Villainous speeches are overrated.

At that point, Dean's internal grumble came to an instant halt. Sam was there with his 'oh look my eyebrows are pulled up in a replication of emotion' kind of way, Samuel's mouth was sagging open with his eyes barely being contained in his head. Alright...

Oh yeah, the sigil. So the hunter glanced at the bloody wall and then right into a pair of astounded deep blue eyes

"Cas?"

Now if this wasn't all shades of fucked up...

Cas was still staring blankly at Dean, his lips slightly parted. "Something is very wrong," he choked out in his sandpaper rough tone as his eyebrows pulled together.

"You're telling me," was Sam's biting reply as he gestured toward the lovely demonic guards popping out of every entrance and orifice like guinea worms. And guinea worms are not pleasant. In a normal situation, I repeat 'normal', Cas would be floating around miles away where he was zapped to at this point and the oldest Winchester would be ganking some demonic sons of a bitches. But in this instance, this reality, shock had rendered them all subdued, except for Sam. Sam just didn't care; who woulda thought? So with a minimal scuffle and a few strangely worded insults from Dean the three men found themselves in horribly bland cells. A colour scheme of grey, grey, stained grey and oh, did I forget to mention the shit carpet? Yeah, moss on excrement surprising looks like a fine, fuzzy carpet. It would be fair to say that Cas, Dean and Sam weren't fans of the decor.

"Castiel what the hell happened out there?" shouted Sam, a deadly, seething undertone to his usually melodic, if whiny, voice.

Although the boys couldn't see it the angel-human-vessel whatever crinkled his brow. "I... do not know. Something is missing," he grouched. A snort came from the far left cell, the youngest hunter's, "Yeah, very helpful genius."

"Cool it Sammy. Do you know what's messing with your mojo Cas? You alright?" Dean interrupted, trying to placate the pair while also trying to conceive an escape plan, however unlikely.

"I am fine Dean, if you be silent for a minute I shall be able to discover the source of my problem."

Thus the cells buzzed with an electric silence until, "What are you doing man?" The hunter was impatient as ever.

"I am sitting on the bed within my cell, I do not wish to be near the faecal matter. As it could be diseased and as a human it could result in my death," replied Castiel as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Too literal dude I-"

Sam cut off one of Dean's sure to be 'figure of speech' lectures, "Wait, what? You're human? How?"

"Most likely because Meg stole my virginity."

"... THE FUCK?" Dean's mind shattering was an audible noise.

Sams mouth contorted strangely as he tried to keep a straight face. "your ah-" he cleared his throat and it sounded suspiciously like a laugh "Your Virginity Cas?"

The angel nodded solemnly to himself "yes I believe Meg took it in order to improve her chances against the Hellhounds"

"woah Cas, when did...? where the hell did you find the time!" The older hunter looked close to panicking "you, there was kissing and... and ew but there was never... we only looked away for a second..." Dean trailed off, his struggle to understand the situation would have been comical if they weren't in mortal peril.

"So wow Cas did you mess with time or were you just really fast? cause that's just-"

"Dont wanna know the details Sam! people with souls don't like details!" Dean clawed at his hair in frustration,in the adjacent cell the angel nodded thoughtfully "yes Sam, very fast. All it took was some clever handwork on her part and I was left powerless"

The trench-clad angels words were barely audible but he might as well have yelled them for the effect they had. "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Dean announced, dramatically throwing his hands skyward as if in surrender "what the hell is it with everyone and banging demon chicks! if I had a dollar for every time someone goes all Casa Erotica on one of the hell bitches...". Denim sludged through well, sludge as the hunter paced the cell in the midst of his rant as his companions blocked out the all too familiar sound of pissed off Dean as it echoed through the lonely halls.

Castiel dared lean his back against the filthy concrete wall, a sudden feeling of sickly hopelessness told him he probably wouldn't live long enough to get sick from the repulsive environment anyway.

" and here I was thinking your lack of compliance was because you didn't like working with demons..." A familiar British accent cut through the mens bickering, Crowley was outside Castiels cell wearing a very sadistic and self satisfied smirk "... but you seem to like one demon, very much" The king of hells eyes met Castiels with humour? superiority? something was being silently communicated there but Crowley was having too much fun to spend his time mentally arguing with the Winchesters pet "oh well I'll try not to take it personally, I'm sure you boys don't mean it"

"Quit the small talk Crowley, what do you want!"

"oh asides from your souls maimed, burned, sliced, and ripped seven ways till sunday? nothing boy! nothing would please me more than that!" Crowley raised his voice with sudden fury at Dean, the demons patience for the hunter was wearing thin.

The angel chose that moment to interrupt before his best friend ended up back in hell "What have you done with Meg!"

Crowley paused mid insult and raised an eyebrow "the pretty little Lucifer fangirl? funny thing, she killed my new torture master... with what looked like an angel blade" the demons eyes locked on the angels questioningly "now how'd she get that?"

Castiel looked away with a gravelly sigh, almost embarrassed "she stole it"

Crowley let out a barking laugh, gleefully evil as ever. Dean gritted his teeth "what do you mean Cas? She stole your sword too?" The angel ignored him, just glared at his feet. Sam was neither enjoying himself like Crowley nor brooding like the other two, he was thinking. "oooh" it dawned on him and he chuckled half heartedly to himself "You mean its your blade? You two never actually...? angels!" Sam sighed.

Dean raised his eyebrows "ooh now I get it" he frowned "That's a stupid term Cas! why'd you freak us out like that?" the hunter looked close to launching into another rant and Crowley rolled his eyes "Ahem!" he cleared his throat "if you don't mind me butting into your little tiff about angel terminology I think it's time to get down to some good old fashioned maiming" the demon grinned wickedly as he stepped towards Sams cell, drawing a curved blade from his jacket "This is gonna be fun"

"For me maybe" A quiet voice drawled from the shadows and suddenly Crowley felt the cold edge of Castiels angel blade at his throat.

The king of hell swallowed hard "Aah Meg, nice of you to join us". Meg smiled with an innocent bat of the eyelids "couldn't resist playing with my new toy" her deadly sweet words were in reference to the angel blade but her dark eyes couldn't help focusing on Castiel, the double meaning lost on the oblivious angel.

A great number of things happened at a great pace from then on.

Crowley took the moments distraction between the angel and demon to slash his own blade at Meg who in turn hissed as it sliced her abdomen, she jumped back as Crowley freed himself. The two demons found themselves face to face for a moment, weapons in hands, both meatsuits tense.

"What are you doing here Meg?" Crowley panted mockingly.

"You stand against Lucifer! With you alive, I have to hide like some..." she made a face "..pathetic human!"

Crowley laughed "My, my we are smitten aren't we? But what about heaven latest rebel without a cause?" Crowley started laughing again but was cut short when a muscular arm shot out and grabbed him.

The demon found himself pinned against the bars of Sams cell "All talk, No action" the soulless hunter growled as the demon fell silent.

"Nice catch Sammy Boy" Meg sauntered over "Now pass me the knife so I can finish this piece of shit off" she spat "Cas' blade wont put him down for good but yours will". Dean had the knife and he exchanged glances with Sam.

"First you have to let us out" Sam narrowed his eyes, nodding to Dean and Castiel "All of us". Meg huffed "you drive a hard bargain. Just don't try anything funny or I'll have to resort to violence... not that that's a bad thing" another surreptitious look towards the angel.

She began rifling through Crowleys pockets "Oi watch it!" he complained loudly, apparently more concerned about the indignity of the situation that his imminent danger. "Ah ha!" Meg held up an ancient looking key with a grin. The demon aided Sam in his efforts of withholding Crowley by poising the angel blade at the juncture of the between his throat and collarbone.

"Meg, darling, as much as I love having an angel's virginity thrust upon my neck I think that the giraffe behind me has quite a good grip. How about you drop the poor thing? I'm sure that your trench coated saviour doesn't want it to get messy," Crowley edged as his eyes followed the motion of the cells' key.

"Mm but I like it messy," Meg hissed back, bared teeth shown through a harsh lopsided smirk.

"Into dirty talk as well sweetheart? Whose you Daddy?" the King of Hell openly laughed at the outraged look plastered onto the younger demon's face at the reference to her Father.

"How dare you speak of Lucifer you insolent, filthy monkey," she screeched, deceptively slim arm swinging back with the angel blade. In a swift motion her arm struck forward again, like a snake, the hilt of Cas' virginity making an audible cracking sound against Crowley's jaw. Cas, who was observantly watching the scene unfold through the bars of his cell, winced at the contact.

Offhandedly, unable to contain his curiosity and hoping that the demon's spat would keep them from drawing attention to themselves Dean mumbled towards the wall, "Hey Cas, can you, you know, feel that and stuff?"

"Yes Dean," Cas found it odd to be speaking to the hunter without being able to make direct eye contact, "it is quite uncomfortable to feel my virginity moving so far away from vessel and not being in control of its movements." The oldest Winchesters simply responded with a soft, "Huh," before going silent again, presumably intent on witnessing any new occurrences between the two demons. The two demons who currently held all three of their lives in their hands; oh and Sam's arm was playing its part; still snug around Crowley's neck.

The middle aged meat suit had spat blood onto the floor. His shrewd eyes flashed dangerous, directed right at Meg, as he reached up to rub his aching jaw, testing out the damage that had been done. A soft 'ow' was heard before a sharp flick of Crowley's wrist had the female demon in a full splayed body bind against the opposing wall. The force of which she had been thrown had caused her to relinquish her hold on the angel blade and the key on impact. Two of the three prisoners winced at this; Dean at the echoing skull cracking and Cas at the metallic clatter. Sam was, well, just... soulless.

"Meg... Meg you really thought that being King of Hell didn't come with certain," Crowley paused, mulling over his word choice for a while, "perks? And Sam I know that you're a cold fish right now but I suggest removing your arm from my neck," his voice became louder as he bit out his words viciously, losing all the composure he characteristically possessed, "before I decide to tear it off.

Wisely Sam withdrew his arm, slowly, as if he were dealing with a rabid animal, and by the looks of Crowley's eyes, the protruding veins and the tension with which he held himself Sam wasn't too far off base. Dean peered out of his cell in interest; if all went well the two biggest pains in his ass would kill each other right in front of his eyes without him even having to lift a finger. Yeah that sounds unlikely even to an optimist but a guy can dream. Instead of getting caught up in his fantasy of Meg and Crowley disembowelling each other Dean's green eye's began to scan for a solution to the only problem he could hope to solve at the moment. Escape. Low and behold a glint of silver caught his attention on the damp, dank floor; the key had fallen right there in front of his cell, perhaps a metre away, but there was no way to reach it, the gap under the door wasn't that large unless... Dean cautiously backed towards the 'bed' to peer through the little window joining his cell with Cas'. With the softest voice he could manage he caught the angel-man-it's attention, "Cas I ne-," he was interrupted by Meg's blood curdling screams followed by soft panting and laughter, "I need your belt," he hissed.

Cas looked stunned, blue eyes gazing at Dean's face as his head tilted just off centre. In his gravel tone he responded with, "Why do you require my belt?"

"Jesus Cas, now is not the time for questions. Sam and I don't wear them and I think I can hook the key into my cell somehow. C'mon man!"

"Of course, I will pass it through as soon as I am done Dean."

So Dean waited... and waited... and waited some more. Sam was now periodically peering through his little barred window at Dean with a questioning look, not game enough to voice his thoughts because of his proximity to the demons in the death match. Sick and tired of the demonic grunts and hisses and witty insults and retorts, talk about foreplay, Dean stood up to peer through the window another time to tell that angelic sonuvabitch to hurry up. What he found was Cas with his trench coat folded neatly on the bed, staring at the fastening on his belt as if it were a philosophy question.

Sam was frowning, as close to an emotion filled expression as he had experienced all year, frustrated because he was out of the loop. All he could see was the back of Dean's head and, if he looked to the right, Crowley and Meg leering at one another. Meg was looking considerably bloodier since the last time the younger Winchester had checked.

In the adjacent cell Dean was still openly gaping at Castiel and his stumbling block. In what fricken universe did an ex angel not knowing how to undo a belt end in all of their deaths'? "Dammit Cas you need to pull the clasp back and pull the piece of metal outta the hole," and by God, Dean never thought that would be something he would ever have to say. The man turned his wide, blue, blue eyes up at the hunter and mouthed, "Like this?" as his thin fingers fiddled with the belt buckle. Man this was all shades of wrong but now wasn't the time to reprimand his friend Dean reminded himself, he settled for a universal nod and a strained smile instead. A soft slide of leather against fabric could be heard before Castiel reached gripped the belt tight and raised it from his waist passing it unto his green eyed counterpart.

Lots of dangerous manoeuvres and twisted ankle later the boys were free. Meg and Crowley had hit the high road. Meg still had the angel blade/ virginity. Cas was in for one hell of a lecture.


	2. Chapter 2

Boys and girls I present to you the very essence of inconsistency. This is pretty much a different story to chapter one but there is brotherly love and angst, we all dig that right? FYI I called it Happiness Is A Warm Gun because I was listening to it at the time… also Dean is king of the assholes in this.

"Dammit Cas you childish sonnofabitch! You almost got us killed!"

The Angel narrowed his eyes at Deans insults like a cat being sprayed with water. To make matters worse Sam joined in on the action, mercy was for men with souls.

"Couldn't even work out how to work a belt buckle! Dean's right you are a child! A liability! You-"

"Are you forgetting that it was me who banished Crowley tonight? Who saved you life and who has been consistently saving both your lives for the past three years."Castiel took a step forward, blue eyes focused relentlessly on the brothers without blinking, Dean couldn't help but shudder with the cold reality that this was not just some child in a trench coat; this was an angel of the lord, one of the most powerful beings the brothers had encountered in a long history of dealing powerful beings. Sam's nostrils flared with a strained intake of breath "Just leave, as long as you have no powers we are better off without you"

Castiel seemed to puff up indignantly but when he spoke his voice was calmer and leveller than ever "Fine, but don't expect me to answer your prayers when you need me" He was looking at Sam, but Dean felt like the words were directed at him. The older hunter had remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout the exchange. The confrontation was short and sudden but it felt as if it had been a long time coming, a rift had been forming since the teams reunion but it was only now that all that fear and frustration was being realized.

If his powers hadn't currently been in the possession of a demon, the angel would have simply disappeared, his wings carrying him faster than any human was capable of measuring, but of course fortune failed to favour Castiel and he was forced to leave through the front door. All too human pride kept his chin held defiantly high. Both brothers refused to look at him as he left without another word.

As soon as the door closed behind him Sam collapsed into bed with a long suffering sigh. It was afterall, 3am and they had just fought themselves out of a monster laboratory owned by the king of hell himself. Dean gave him an irritated glare from across the room "That was friggin cold man". Sam rolled his eyes "You're the one with the soul, why didn't you stand up for the walking punching bag then?" For once the normally outspoken hunter was silent, to tell the truth he wasn't sure why he had let his best friend leave without so much as a word of apology on his part. Dean hated to admit it but he agreed with his younger sibling, without his powers Castiel was borderline damsel in distress. The angel just wasn't equipped with the knowledge of a hunter; he was as street smart as a millennia old virgin soldier could be but it wasn't enough.

There was something else about the angel that had put Dean on edge as well. Every now and then the hunter caught glimpses of something more than the loyal soldier he knew and loved (in a brotherly way!), Castiel's awkward smiles felt even more strained than usual, he disappeared for days, even weeks at a time with no explanation and Dean prayed that it wasn't just his imagination when he noticed the silent, meaningful glances between the angel and Crowley. As long as he had known him Dean had clung unwaveringly to the belief that Castiel was as complex and adept at lying as a robot but now that faith starting to crumble, Castiel was hiding something from him and Dean knew it meant trouble.

Castiel was at that very moment perched on a park bench three blocks away, staring into space with hopelessness etched on his features. It struck him at that moment how much time he spent in parks like this one. If Dean had been present the hunter would make some wisecrack about the angel being some sexually abusive child predator, however now Castiel was left to focus on the much more innocent reasons for his retreats. It seemed to him that the angel had spent a lifetime shunning the company of his fellow celestial beings in favour of humans, simple, judgemental humans. After his short stint of being cut off from heaven, he had even almost become one himself. As if their mannerisms were beginning to rub off on him he was beginning to develop that uncomfortable feeling humans got when they were picked out from the crowd and that was why he came to parks for sanctuary. They were public, peaceful places set apart from the prying eyes, at least in the early hours of the morning they were. He supposed it would be more fitting for him to hide in a church considering who and what he was but truth be told, the angel didn't feel worthy to seek sanctuary in gods house after his recent actions. Mere hours earlier he had inexplicably given into lust, for a demon no less, but even that paled in comparison to his dealings with Crowley.

The angel sighed to himself out loud. He had tried to justify it to himself, the lying was only a means to an end after all, but when Castiel thought of the trust in Deans eyes his resolve wavered dangerously. Even after his actions in hell that man embodied everything the angel believed to be righteousness. And he was willingly deceiving him.

The angel was suddenly ripped from his angst by a familiar flurry of wings, he didn't bother to look up as Balthazar stood illuminated in the pre-dawn light. "Oh Cassie, heavens toughest kitty; declawed and kicked out in the cold" The words were gentle and laced with pity, Castiel as usual took a moment to marvel at his friends caring side. As far as he knew, Castiel was the only angel in existence to know this side of Balthazar, he counted himself lucky. To everyone else the reclusive angel was snarky, sarcastic and incredibly irresponsible for his age. The other angels shunned the often merciless angel, seeing him as an annoying eccentric but to Cas, he was just a goofy big brother. It also helped that after Balthazars disappearance thousands of years ago he had mourned his 'death' like no other, he sensed the mischief maker was trying his best to repent.

"I made a mistake tonight" Castiel looked away like a human, ashamed. He hadn't needed to say a word, angels could communicate telepathically and his brother already knew the entire story from start to finish "no no, you learnt lesson one about women: they get what they want then screw you over" Balthazar's care free joke was lost on Castiel "She was no woman, she was a demon. And what she wanted was to as you say 'screw me over'"

"Don't be such a pessimist Cassie! She was a woman once and trust me, she wanted, wait no wants to do a lot more to you than screw you over, darling" His vessels brows raised suggestively.

Castiel wanted to ask him what that meant but he suspected it was something to do with the pizza man and the babysitter, and Dean had told him not to talk about that. With a hint of annoyance he realized the stupidity of obeying a man that had for all intents and purposes abandoned him.

"Your right, he has you on a leash. I have no idea what you see in that man, If it was me I would have smited him after the first time he got you killed, gods plan be damned." Castiel smiled at his brothers light hearted blasphemy, once upon a time he would have cringed.

"So whats the game plan?" Balthazar changed subject abruptly, angels weren't known for sustaining banter for long. Castiel frowned the question had been plaguing his mind for some time "I searched for The Demon as soon as I caught wind of your situation, the clever little minx concealed herself." Castiel nodded, he wouldn't expect anything else from Lucifers daughter. "She's not working alone, perhaps I... you could track down her followers, make them reveal her location" Castiel suggested. Balthazar returned to his feet "well little brother, what are we waiting for?"

A ghost of a smile twitched at the younger angels lips, when someone believed in you, things didn't seem so hopeless after all.


End file.
